Where to begin?

UGH. I've gotten so far off track, I don't know where to start....

I guess at the miscarriage. My 6w2d appt looked great. We saw our little beaner...the little heartbeat...perfection.

My 8w appt was not so sweet. It took the nurse a bit and I knew almost immediately, that it wasn't looking like it was supposed to. I raised my hand up to my head and Mike took it. I waited what seemed like 5 minutes and finally, Courtney, our nurse said, "I'm just not seeing what I'm supposed to see, I'm so sorry..." I couldn't believe it was happening again. She took some measurements and the baby had regressed 3 days in size from our last ultrasound. I'd had back pain (a sign of my progesterone dropping) the day after my 6w2d U/S...I worried it was my progesterone, but kept taking my shots, as they gave me the option. I'm glad I did, or I would have always wondered if it was stopping that pg that caused something to go wrong. Dr. said we had an 8% chance of miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat. I guess we were in that 8%.

I know some people may think....you only knew you were pg for 4 weeks, it's not that big of a deal to lose a pgcy, but they haven't been there. That is 4 weeks of wondering if you'll have a boy or a girl, what color you should paint Mallory's new big girl room, what season they will be born in, how old Mallory will be when they are born, how different xmas will be this year, what new car will I get? and a 1000 other scenarios in your head of how your new life will be like. And in that moment it is taken away. Gone. There is no amount of praying or anything you can do to change the outcome.

People walk by you at the grocery store and have no idea you are carrying around your little one inside you, who is now not growing, and just waiting for the inevitable to happen. For the bleeding, cramps, labor pains etc to start. It happened just the same as last year, like clockwork. After the cytotex, a few days later, I had early morning cramps, then labor contractions on Sat, June 1st....and by very late Sunday night I knew I would pass it soon and I did at around 10pm June 2nd. I put my hopes and dreams in a tupperware container the lab had given me and place it in the fridge. So horrific. $880 later, the sample was too contaminated (deteriorated) for any testing to give us any answers.

The next couple weeks were really hard, it's pretty much soul crushing. The realization of what I lost would just hit me at random times and I'd sit on the floor and bawl. It's such a tremendous loss, I can't even explain it.

After 6 weeks, I finally had negative pregnancy tests....talk about evil..seeing those beautiful 2 lines on a test and know they are not real....And then I finally got my cycle back and could get on track for our Frozen cycle (FET, Frozen Embryo Transfer).

Onto my FET's in August. This process is much easier that a fresh cycle, 3 appts total! Baseline bloodwork, just estrogen pills and antibiotics daily and one lining check a week before transfer and we were on our way....August 23rd, I transferred my two beautiful frostie embabies. I had several positive tests, but they quickly got lighter and by the time I had my second Beta it was a pitiful 1.1.

So, after my failed FET, a bunch of people around me were getting pg and I took it a bit harder than I thought I would, because I so badly wanted it to be me, I thought it would be me. And there I sat in limbo again, because my Dr. was on vacation. (I am very happy for my pg friends, I just want to join them :) )

Then I got a call from Courtney and got my protocol and I feel like it hugely pulled me out of my slump! I have a plan! I have dates! I know what's happening :)

Stop bcps Oct 1
Start bcps Oct 7th
Stop bcps Oct 15th
Baseline U/S Oct 16th
Start meds Oct 19th
tentative retrieval Oct 29th

EDD July 22nd - but with a repeat c/s I will go a week early and will be due on my BIRTHDAY of July 15th WHOOO HOOO...it's a sign EEEEK - At least I'm praying it's a sign. I always said I wanted a baby born between my birthday and Mike's...maybe this will be our rainbow baby :)